Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize