I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
