Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
