I could make wine with my vomit
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
