I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I cockslap morals
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
