so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
