I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
