my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
