Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
