I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
