My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We need to get me chipped asap
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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