1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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