Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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