What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Randomize
