Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
