when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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