shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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