On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
