Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
