the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
