Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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