Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
