A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
