it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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