yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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