Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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