Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
