I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
