I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
