I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
