do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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