tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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