I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
