I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
