I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
