My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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