Your tits are I can't wait for
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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