she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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