Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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