I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
