My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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