it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
