Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
