So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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