My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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