3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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