News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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