Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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