you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Im part way to drunk.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
