i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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