halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
