Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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