Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
