Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
This girl is more easily done than said...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
