it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
