Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
