Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think I sprained my soul last night
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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