Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This baby is an asshole
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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