Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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