I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
