I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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