can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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